Being Told You're Not Good Enough

Nobody likes being told they’re not good enough. It hurts... a lot. I’d like to say that when I have been told that, I can easily get over it, but that’s just not true.

No matter what context it was in, I was always heartbroken. I’m one of those people that always try my best to make people like me. I feel the incessant need to be perfect, and even though I’m a lot better at accepting that I’m not, it is still hard.

You can be told you’re not good enough in a variety of ways. Whether it be someone blatantly telling you, giving you hints, or something totally different, it’s still there. It can be displayed in a quiet undertone, just by someone giving you “the look” of disapproval after you say something or suggest an idea.

For me, the biggest one in my life thus far, was when I was not accepted into the music program at UWM. I have always been a music geek, being involved in everything musical offered to me. I had this amazing plan; I was going to go to school for music and eventually become an elementary music teacher. I thought it was the best idea because I loved music and I loved children.

Through the coming months after developing my plan, I can definitely say that I had my doubts. Not of my ability, but whether it was right for me to pursue music professionally. I would often keep it to myself because I was afraid of disappointing those important to me. Everybody who knew me just assumed I was going into music, so for me to tell them that I was doubting my decisions—for some reason I thought I would disappoint them. I now know that no matter what I chose, those people would support me, but I was still afraid.

Every so often, I would confide in one of my good friends, Ayden. He told me that it didn’t matter to him, or to anyone else, if I went on to do music or if I decided to go into the medical field. He told me that no matter what I did, he and everyone else would be proud of me. That I would succeed in anything I tried to do. I am very thankful that I had him to keep my head up when I couldn't do it myself.

Despite my doubts, however, I went on with my plan to pursue music. My audition was mid-January, and I had been preparing for months at that point. I rehearsed with my amazing vocal instructor, Alicia York (if you’re in the Waukesha area, check her out at Cascio Interstate Music on National Ave in New Berlin). She taught me everything I needed to know about being a solo artist rather than a choral singer. The two are very different. I discovered new things about myself and my talent. Overall, it was a great experience working with her.

After my audition, I was happy with how it went, I knew that I performed well. That said, I didn’t believe that I had my heart in it. I didn’t believe that I performed as well as I could have, because honestly, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to do that anymore. I knew that I had adequate skills in music as I had been a performer for basically my entire life.

About a month after my audition, I got a letter in the mail. Honestly, I already knew what was written in the letter, but I still didn’t want to admit it. I read it and I cried because as much as I didn’t want to pursue music, I also did want to equally. It was a tough for me because I took the rejection letter as the school telling me that I wasn’t good enough. That the one thing that I had been truly good at for my entire high school career, I wasn’t actually good enough at all.

Now that it’s been a few months, and I’ve spoken to the music department since then, I know that that isn’t the case at all.

As much as it hurt me to get that letter, I am honestly happy I didn’t get accepted. I felt as if I wasn’t good enough for a long, long time, but now I know that I am. I am good enough for whatever I want to do.

Since receiving that letter and being told I “wasn’t good enough,” I’ve opened my eyes to so many different things. I am still going to have music in my life, I just won’t make a career out of it. I’ll do it because I love it and because I want to, not because I have to for my profession.

Who knows, maybe I’ll be the singing gynecologist. Maybe I’ll perform in one of the MKE or Waukesha choruses. I don’t know what I’ll be doing, but what I do know, is that no matter what it is, I will be good enough.

“You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are.” –Sierra Boggess

The stage will always be my home, but it's time that I move on to other things as well.

Until next time,

Katie