Some Days are Harder Than Others

Sometimes the ugly sides of mental illness come out when you’re least expecting it. Sometimes one small thing can set you off and it’s like you’re on a rollercoaster going down from such a high slope with no end in sight. Sometimes the thought that you’d be better off not existing creeps from the box you stuffed it in and you can’t seem to shove it back down.

Life is about compartmentalizing. Learning where to file each emotion, thought, and event into tidy boxes. I picture my brain like the scene from Spongebob where he has an office and tons of file cabinets and he forgets his own name and the little Spongebob’s are running around and eventually start a fire because they can’t find where they filed it. Yes, I am linking it so you get the full picture.

That’s what my brain feels like right now. Like I can’t find where I filed my instructions on how to be happy and how to live a normal life. Lucky for me, I have friends and family that care about me. I have a roommate who surprises me with fried chicken and mashed potatoes. Sisters that will play stupid Snapchat games to distract me from my thoughts. Coworkers who stand by me and raise me up when I can’t seem to lift my head in the slightest. A mother who fills me in on her thoughts on Game of Thrones because she knows I love to hear every single detail even though I’ve already seen every single episode.

Despite the constant voices in my head telling me I’m a failure and a waste of space, I have people who support me and remind me that I’m okay. Although it doesn’t make me magically become a ray of sunshine again, it does bring some light to the darkness I find myself enveloped in.

At the end of the day, no matter how little I accomplished, no matter how broken I feel, I’m reminded that they are there with me every step of the way.

It’s hard living with a mental illness and unfortunately it’s something I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life, but it’s going to be worth it when I see the sun again. When I am able to walk outside and see my neighbor playing the flute on his porch and the flowers growing on the tree in my front yard. When I’m able to look at my life and tell myself “you did it Katie, you really pulled yourself out” and until then, I just have to keep reminding myself that I’ll get there.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring or how I will feel at this time next week which is terrifying, but at least I know that I will wake up and hopefully be one step closer to where I want to be.

Check in on your loved ones, you never know what they might be going through. Most importantly, check in on yourself. It’s something people forget to do until it’s too late and they find themselves lost.

You’ve made it through the worst that’s happened to you so far. You got this.