Life After a Breakdown

I have been extremely inactive on this blog, but I’ve decided it’s time I go back to writing. I’ve been dealing with a lot for quite a long time now, and I’m finally starting to get some sort of stability back.

As most people know, I had a massive breakdown last spring. I stopped going to class, stopped taking care of myself, and stopped eating. I would stay in bed for the entire day, only getting out to use the bathroom or grab a glass of wine. It was not a healthy situation. It reached the point where I had to check myself into a psychiatric hospital before I killed myself.

After spending a few days in the hospital, I made the extremely difficult decision to withdraw from my classes at UWM, with the plan to go back in the fall. That, of course, didn’t happen. Life doesn’t go as planned, which is something I’m starting to come to terms with.

After a couple months, I was still miserable. I was working all the time, had no social interaction, and still was barely eating. I had no money, no free time, and no hope for my future.

I left my job at Domino’s in January in hopes of finally deciding what I’d like to do with my life, and I’m still not there. I’ve had plenty of ideas go through my head, but I always turn them down out of fear that they won’t work out if I try for them. I sabotage myself almost any chance I get. But, I’m working on it.

I’m going to therapy every single week. I’m trying to find a hobby. I’m spending time with those I love. I don’t know how to love myself, so they help to teach me how.

Life after a breakdown is not easy. In fact, it’s harder than anything I’ve ever done. I had so many plans and goals for my future, yet here I am… a college dropout with little to no direction on where I go from here. It’s terrifying to think about, but I’m finally learning that it’s okay to not know what’s going to happen.

Life is unpredictable. Never in a million years did I think that I would be in this position, but now that I am, I am just dealing with it. I remind myself every single day that it will turn out okay in the end, however long that takes.

I have always been an outspoken advocate for mental health, as everybody knows. Despite that, I never knew how to advocate for myself. I am learning and growing each day that I go on, and for that I am extremely thankful.

I still struggle with the idea of being alive, but I am still here and I’m going to keep it that way. Things change before you even notice a difference, then suddenly you wake up and your entire life is flipped upside down. But the thing is, that’s okay. It’s okay to fall. It’s okay to take a long time to pick up the pieces after you break—there is no timeline to healing. All that matters is that you try your hardest and keep your head up, even when it feels like the world is caving in on you. Another thing I urge anyone who is struggling to remember, is that it’s entirely okay if people don’t understand what’s going on. Chances are, they will never truly get it unless they’ve been in the situation themselves.

I recently saw a great quote that read “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. The don’t need to, it’s not for them.” and that really resonated with me. It’s true, this journey is yours and yours alone. You need to go at your own pace, no matter what other people may think.

I’d like to end this post with something my dad told me when I was staying in the hospital. He reminded me that what was going on in my head was a fictional story written by my brain. It was telling me false things about myself. I was living in this story dictated by my own mind, while everyone else was living in the reality around me.

Don’t forget that that story you’re hearing is simply that—a work of fiction. Rewrite it.